fuonlyknew

As the phoenix eternally
rises from the flames, so shall she…

Something more insidious than
guilt or embarrassment engulfs me. I’ve felt both of those frequently in my
life. This is shame all the way to my core. I’m crying so hard now I can hardly
make out the features of his face. Scrambling like a rag doll, I stagger out of
the car and nearly fall on my face when my left ankle turns inward, just like
it did in front of his home the week before. I stumble and catch myself. Beyond
humiliated, I want nothing more than to hide. As soon as I’m upright, I break
into a run. I’m in heels, so I stagger-step multiple times, but I’m determined
to get anywhere but right here.

Blindly, I run across the lot.
As I round the corner, I run smack into someone as they are coming the opposite
direction.  

“Tessa? Are you okay?”

I glance up through the stream of
tears to see a blurry image of Gerald. “No, no. I just want to go home.” I push
off his chest and stumble backward, then turn and flee the opposite direction
without saying a word, ignoring Gerald’s plea of confusion as the distance
between us widens. I pray he won’t follow. I just want to get away from this
place.

I keep running until I’m at least
a few blocks away. Winded, fatigued, and little sick to my stomach, I stop. I
lean against the wall of a building, taking in sharp gasps of air, and look
around. Thankfully, Gerald didn’t follow. Where am I? Terin. I left Terin back
at the club. I can’t go back there. I’ll have to call her and let her know I’ve
gone home. She’ll be fine.

My phone? Where is my phone? It
was in my handbag. I had my handbag when I left the club with Tom. Shit. It
must be in his car. Fear, pain, shame, anger, guilt, all well up tight within
my chest and rise until I feel as if I will go mad. I run my fingers through my
hair and cry so hard I start to gag again. I want to puke. Get that
man out of me. Get him out!

“Can I help you? Are you okay?”

Startled, I spin around. The man
from the library is standing at the corner, maybe fifteen feet away. My crying
wanes as muddled thoughts spin around in my mind, trying to make sense of it all.
Why is he here? Did he follow me from the club? His brow is pinched with a look
of concern. He takes a step forward. “Are you okay?”

My knees and hands are trembling
violently. “I’m…I’m fine.” I drag both hands across my face, swiping away the
tears.

He takes another step forward.
“Are you sure? You seem upset. Are you ill?”

I take a step back. I don’t want
any further interaction tonight. I’ve had more than enough. All I want to do is
go home. And this guy…he seems friendly, but he freaks me out. “No, really. I’m
fine. I’m just on my way home.”

Another step forward. “Do you
need a ride?”

Another step back. Why won’t
anyone listen to me? “No. I’m fi…”

Something is pulled over my head
from behind. The world is dark and muffled. I scream. Hands go around my waist.
My arms arc outward, side to side, hoping to hit anything in my path. What is
happening? Fear, stark and white, drains the blood from my head to my toes. I’m
dizzy.

Voices bark out sharp orders but
I’m flailing about and screaming so I can’t make out what they’re saying.
Another set of hands grab my legs and pull them out from under me so now I’m being
carried by two men…one by my waist and the other by my legs. I writhe and
twist. I have to get out of this. I need to get away. What is happening? My
breath plumes in and out in short, hot gasps inside the small bag over my head.
Claustrophobia flares up. A stronger wave of panic follows. I’m…going…to
pass…out.