Archive for the ‘comedy’ Category

 

Good Elf Gone Wrong

by Alina Jacobs

 

 

Publication date: November 14th 2023
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

When you catch your fiancé cheating on you with your sister on Christmas Eve, the elf hat comes off.
I’ve always been the good girl—the anti Scrooge—the one who sacrifices for her guests, bakes cookies for her neighbors, and stays late after a party to clean up.
I don’t mind. I like being on the nice list.

I kept smiling when I caught my fiancé coming down my sister’s chimney on Christmas Eve.
I gave polite congratulations when they got engaged on Christmas morning.
And I even offered to help decorate for their holiday wedding despite the fact that was supposed to be my dream wedding.

But when my sister cuts up our great-grandmother’s one-hundred-year-old wedding dress and turns it into a skank show, even though that was the dress I was going to wear on my wedding day?
Well, this elf is torching down the North Pole.

And what better way to get revenge than giving those cheaters a taste of their own medicine?
This good elf is bringing the bad boy home for Christmas.
Hudson is a six-foot-five, coldhearted, tattooed bad elf with a perpetual sneer and washboard abs.
He’s exactly my sister’s type.
And he’s going to help me nuke her wedding from orbit on the night before Christmas.

What he is not supposed to do is grab my ass in the kitchen while I bake gingerbread.
Or crawl in my bed half naked.
And he’s definitely not supposed to smirk and tell me to commit to our fake relationship right before he goes down on me.

Guess there’s a reason the good elves stay far away from the bad.

Good elves of Christmas unite! We’re ogling the tattooed chests of shirtless bad boys, baking massive amounts of cookies, drinking all the wine, and trying to survive recently divorced grandmothers who have a pathological obsession with our love lives. This standalone holiday romantic comedy has all the Christmas cheer you can fit in your stocking and a happily ever after, guaranteed!

Goodreads / Amazon

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Enjoy this peek inside:

Knitting clutched in my hands, I turned to the bad boy sitting next to me.

“Do … um …” I cleared my throat. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

His finger paused on the page he was turning. He fixed those pale-silver eyes on me, a dusty gray like the winter sky.

“No. Why? Are you offering?”

“Sort of. See, I kind of need to break up my sister and her boyfriend. She’s dating my ex. He’s a jerk. It’s complicated. But I need you to be my boyfriend so I can ruin her wedding. I don’t know if you do that type of work?”

I smiled hopefully.

The book closed with a loud thud.

He looked angry.

“Er, never mind,” I squeaked and held up my knitting. “I’ll get started on those baby socks. Forget I said anything.”

But he didn’t go back to his book.

“So you want a fake boyfriend.”

“Um, yeah. I mean that was the plan. But plans change …”

Those ghostly eyes still locked on mine, he leaned over, his huge body crowding my space.

I scrunched against the window.

“You sure you can handle it?” he asked in a deep, gravelly voice. He smelled like leather and the winter wind.

No. No, I don’t think I can.

I swallowed. The empty Advent calendar was digging into my side.

“Yes,” I squawked.

“Prove it,” he said, his breath cool on my cheek.

He twisted out of his jacket, the ridges of muscle under the tight gray T-shirt flexing and rippling as he shrugged off the garment.

“Give me a hand job.” The baritone voice deepened. “I have my jacket on my lap. No one will know. Just go for it.”

My eyes were about as big and round as Pugnog’s and ready to pop out of my head.

“Unzip my fly,” he breathed against my mouth, “and stroke my cock.”

My stomach was flip-flopping. The air between us was supercharged, and my skin felt tight and prickly.

“I-I can’t,” I stammered.

He huffed out a laugh, smirked, and pulled his jacket back on, the leather creaking.

“Thought so.” He sat back in his seat and opened up his book. “You’re weak. You have an elaborate revenge plan all mapped out, yet you clearly can’t handle having a fake boyfriend.”

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About Author Alina Jacobs:

If you like steamy romantic comedies with a creative streak, then I’m your girl!

Architect by day, writer by night, I love matcha green tea, chocolate, and books! So many books…

Sign up for my mailing list to get the free novella, AFTER HIS PEONIES, along with special bonus content, giveaways, and more!

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Bookbub

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I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the SINGLE WITH CAT by Rosa Silva Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours.

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Check out my Review and make sure to enter the giveaway!

 

 

SINGLE WITH CAT

A feel-good romantic comedy (New Beginnings)

by Author Rosa Silva

 

 

Pub. Date: August 6, 2022

Publisher: Rosa Silva

Formats: Paperback, eBook

Pages: 202

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Find it: Goodreadshttps://books2read.com/SINGLE-WITH-CAT  

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Read for FREE with a Kindle Unlimited Membership!

 

Can she save the Happy Endings
Bookstore and have the happy ending she deserves?

Olivia is back in her hometown to reopen the bookstore her grandmother left
her. She has a whole plan mapped out for the Happy Endings Bookstore. Just one
problem – she finds out the bank is ready to foreclose on the bookstore’s
mortgage.
Gabriel, the bank manager, is as drop dead gorgeous as he is grouchy. Olivia
hates the guy, but her cat Chili seems to love him. Now Olivia has three months
to save the bookstore and rub it in Gabriel’s face.

Olivia tries everything to save the bookstore, but with a quest to find out the
identity of an anonymous romance writer, her mother wanting to find her a husband,
and her grandmother’s grouchy neighbor making her life hell, Olivia has a lot
on her plate.

The tension between Olivia and Gabriel escalates as the deadline to save the
bookstore approaches, but as the two slowly begin to let their guard down, they
might learn that sometimes stepping outside one’s comfort zone can lead to the
greatest reward.

Single with Cat is a feel-good romantic comedy perfect for readers who love
cats, books, and happy endings.

 

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MY REVIEW

Poor Olivia.  Can she save the bookstore her grandmother left her? Can she find out who the mysterious romance writer is? Does she really have to deal with the annoying bank manager, Gabriel? Will her mother ever stop meddling in her love life? The answer to some of these questions is yes. The rest remain to seen.

Olivia was a girl after my own heart. Funny, smart and determined. And her mother was a hoot. Now, Gabriel, he needed a swift kick in the pants. A bit grumpy. But I had a feeling that might change.

I love my little neighborhood bookstore. I can spend hours in there. So I was pulling for Olivia to be able to save hers. When she clashes with Gabriel, the one who can help her do that, I said hmm… perhaps the sparks will fly. How can you argue with her cat, Chili, who seems to adore him.

A bookstore to save, a meddling mother, and a chance at a happy ending. Single With Cat was all kinds of fun.

4 STARS

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About Rosa Silva:

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Rosa writes fiction with a bit of humor. She’s not an
award-winning author, but she wrote several humor books for cat lovers that
will make you laugh your head off. She’s the author of Single with Cat, a
feel-good romantic comedy perfect for readers who love cats, books, and happy
endings.

Subscribe to Rosa’s
newsletter!

Website | FacebookInstagram | Goodreads | Amazon

 

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1 winner will receive a $10 Amazon Gift Card courtesy of Rockstar Book Tours,
International.

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Ends October 17th, midnight EST.

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Tour Schedule:

Week One:

9/25/2023

Writer of Wrongs

Guest Post

9/26/2023

@hodophile_z

IG Post

9/27/2023

Meet
The Fultons

Guest Post/IG Post

9/28/2023

 #BRVL Book Review
Virginia Lee Blog

Blog Spotlight

9/29/2023

Sandra’s Book Club

Guest Post

Week Two:

10/2/2023

FUONLYKNEW

Review/IG Post

10/2/2023

Books With a Chance

Review/IG Post

10/3/2023

A Blue Box Full of Books

IG Review/LFL Drop Pic/TikTok Post

10/3/2023

Country Mamas With Kids

Review/IG Post

10/4/2023

Apol Reads

Review/IG Post

10/4/2023

MandaTheBiblio

Review/IG Post

10/5/2023

the original B00K nerd

Review/IG Post

10/5/2023

Lilly’s
Book World

Review/IG Post

10/6/2023

@dharashahauthor

IG Post/TikTok Post

10/6/2023

Books and Zebras

IG Review

 

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A Match Made in Ireland

by E.D. Hackett

 

Publication date: September 23rd 2023
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

A semester abroad was exactly what she needed, but falling in love with her roommate was not part of the lesson plan.

When Rory, a driven American seeking a much-needed break from her hectic life, lands in Ireland for a semester abroad, she never imagines sharing her space with Jaime, the charming yet irksome redhead from her flight. A twist of fate entwines their paths, forcing them to live under one roof for four months.

Despite his laid-back demeanor clashing with her meticulous nature, Rory finds herself irresistibly drawn to Jaime’s infectious Irish charm and tight-knit family bonds. As they traverse the breathtaking landscapes of Ireland, Rory relies on Jaime’s wisdom to navigate the challenges of their travels. It doesn’t take long for her to fall for the enchanting Irish experience he offers, which extends far beyond the usual tourist trails.

But as the end of the semester draws near, Rory is faced with a heart-wrenching decision. Will she leave a piece of her heart in Ireland, or was Jaime merely a dream meant to be left behind?

Immerse yourself in E.D. Hackett’s A Match Made in Ireland for a delightful romantic comedy that delves into the magic of Ireland, the beauty of unforeseen bonds, and the transformative power of self-discovery. Buckle up for a journey filled with laughter, tears, and love that you won’t want to miss!

Goodreads / Amazon

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Enjoy this peek inside:

It was him. The man from the plane sat on the bed, staring at a drawing pad on his lap. The spiky red hair, the smattering of freckles, and the creased eyes triggered a series of flashbacks that ran through my mind: the lack of spatial awareness, the soda down my leg, and the stolen dinner roll.

I pulled the covers over my head, my heart racing and the pit in my stomach digging into my pelvis like a concrete boulder. I dragged the duvet below my eyes and squinted, trying not to be obvious. Am I dreaming? Ha! Maybe I’m having a nightmare. The same red hair, now tousled from sleep, rested against the wall. I pushed the blanket down to my shoulders and said, “Hello, again.”

He looked up from his drawing pad and tilted his head to the left, tapping his pencil against his scruffy chin. “I remember you. From the plane.”

I tried to smile, but my lips refused to rise. I pushed my body against the back wall and pulled the sheet closer to my armpits. “What are you doing here, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I could ask you the same thing. I live here.”

My eyes bulged and I scrambled to a seated position. “You can’t live here. You’re a guy. This is an apartment with women. Foreign exchange students. A bunch of Americans.” I spoke slowly, as if that would make him understand.

Jaime chuckled and looked down again. “Yes, I am aware, but this is my apartment now. I forgot to renew my housing paperwork last semester, and they gave my room away. This was all that was left. They told me I was living with Rory, Zoey, and Marissa. I take it you’re Rory?”

I nodded.

“I thought you were an Irish lad.”

I swallowed loudly, the saliva crawling down the back of my throat. Reaching across my bed to my nightstand, I downed a bottle of water. Cloudiness from the alcohol still in my system slowed down my brain’s processing ability, and I struggled to understand his words. “You can’t live here,” I said again.

“I wish I didn’t. Living with a bunch of Americans during my last year of college is the last thing I want to do, but it’s that or be homeless so I’ll suck it up.” He returned to his drawing and spoke to his paper. “Nice to meet you, Rory.” His amber eyes looked over, scanning my top half. “Fun time last night?”

My brain beat against my forehead, and I massaged my temples. “Yeah. Sorry if I woke you.”

“No worries. I spent the night with my old flatmates. They live downstairs, and I came up here to crash. I didn’t even hear you come in.”

I grabbed the hooded sweatshirt sitting at the end of my bed, and pulled it over my body. “Are you sure they said there was nowhere else? I mean, I don’t know, Jaime. You’re a guy, a stranger, really, and I have a boyfriend. I don’t think he will be too excited when I tell him my roommate’s an Irish guy.”

His liquid gold eyes looked me up and down. “I asked to be moved and they put me on a waiting list if some other American no-shows, but I want my old flat and my old flatmates. Unless they can squeeze me back in there, I’m staying here. So, there it is. An Irish bloke and an American lass living together. That’ll make a good story for the grandkids. Promise, you won’t even know I’m here.”

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Author E.D. Hackett:

E.D Hackett is a Speech-language pathologist by day and a writer by night. She writes novels that investigate layers of self-expectations, family dynamics, self-love and self-acceptance. She hopes that her novels create a safe and cozy environment for her readers to fall into and explore.

She writes women’s fiction novels with one foot in romance. And every story has a happy ever after.

She lives in New England but in her heart, she feels that she belongs in Ireland. She reads women’s women’s fiction and romantic comedies, prefers books to movies, ice cream to cake, and fall to spring.

Please visit https://www.linktr.ee/edhackett for more information! You can also find her on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Goodreads.

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Instagram / Bookbub

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The Pumpkin Pact by Charlie Dean

Posted: September 7, 2023 in comedy, Romance
Tags:

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The Pumpkin Pact

by Charlie Dean

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Welcome to The Pumpkin Patch at Pickle Grove.

Andi is worried that her relationship with Drew has become dull and boring. They never do anything exciting these days, in or out of the bedroom. So when a swoon-worthy stranger appears she isinstantly swept off her feet.When they unexpectedly meet again, they realise they have more in common than they thought possible so draw up a pact to spice up their lives! The plan they conjure up while working together at The Pumpkin Patch, to make their partners jealous, brings them closer than ever.Andi plucks up the courage to finish with Drew but there are no signs of Andrew doing the same and she thinks she’s lost him forever.With meddling exes, misunderstandings and miscommunication getting in the way, can The Pumpkin Pact bring them back together?

Purchase LinkAmazon

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Beerfest

by Lilo Moore

 

(European City Breaks)
Publication date: September 1st 2023
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

Two best friends, a tipsy Oktoberfest dare and one kiss that could change everything.

It’s been fifteen years since big-shot marketing manager Fi first met her bi best friend Max. Living on different continents has had its challenges, but she’s determined that their friendship will be as strong as ever when she arrives in Munich for an Oktoberfest reunion with their study abroad friends. There’s no one she loves like her Max, even if he has finally grown up a bit and now runs a microbrewery.
But instead of lazy conversations and comfortable day-drinking, as they’d always done when they were younger, the reunion is a slightly desperate meeting of disillusioned millennials escaping real life – until Fi’s jetlagged, drunken rant about being a woman working in beer marketing goes viral and they’re roped into a bad-taste beerfest challenge. As she and Max and their friends from the international dorm tackle fairground stunts, physical challenges and bad karaoke, the one dare that changes everything is the simplest: kiss your teammate.
Now she can’t stop thinking about him in a very more-than-friends kind of way. When kissing leads to more and she discovers that her screwball best friend can talk dirty and light the sheets on fire in the bedroom, she can’t help seeing the years of their friendship in a new – and terrifying – light.
As the challenge progresses with thrill rides, pretzels, lots of lederhosen and a little public nudity, the dares are actually fun, when Fi completes them on her own terms. But the truth questions present the biggest danger to her future. What happens to her precious friendship – and her big promotion – when she admits to herself just how much Max means to her?

A spicy romcom with a bit of snark and a lot of swoon, for fans of Helen Hoang and Christina Lauren.

Goodreads / Amazon

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Enjoy this peek inside:

‘Fi and Max are single, so no drama, right?’ Isobel said. ‘You guys have probably kissed before.’

I tried to resist, but my gaze snapped to his. ‘Eh… no, we haven’t,’ Max admitted, still looking warily at me.

‘Never? Not even while drunk?’

‘Is it that hard to believe?’ I mumbled.

‘I mean, I know Max likes guys, but I thought he liked girls, too.’

He coughed and I wasn’t sure if he was laughing or choking. ‘I like women,’ he confirmed. ‘There are probably a lot of reasons why we never kissed before, but it won’t be a problem now.’

I stared at him, suddenly wondering what all those reasons were, when a moment ago, it had been self-evident to me why we’d never kissed. We’d never been into each other that way. But he’d said it wouldn’t be a problem now, as though he knew the filthy thoughts I’d been having about his mouth. I gulped.

He leaned towards me and I bent away instinctively. Thoughts flickering dangerously in his eyes, he blinked, and the next thing I knew, his hand was clamped around the back of my neck and he was holding me where I was – and sending shots of adrenaline down my spine.

As he brought his face close, I caught the scent of him, not the cheap deodorant he used to use but something spicy and a little bit older man that did something crazy to my hormones. His breath gusted over my cheek and, after one more pensive glance, his eyes drifted closed. Unable to stand the proximity, my eyes did the same, but it only set off all my other senses, especially the way the tiny hairs on my skin detected his nearness.

My mouth dropped open on a gasp.

 

Author Lilo Moore:

Lilo Moore is the steamy romantic comedy pen name of travel romance author Leonie Mack. She lives among vineyards in Germany, creating fictional worlds and counting down to her next trip.

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Bookbub

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Law enforcement isn’t for the fainthearted. Are you brave enough to enter my world?

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Stilettos and Sniper Rifles

Deputy Gemma Stone Book 1

by Gail Koger

Genre: Action, Comedy, Romance

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I’ve been a Maricopa County Sheriff’s deputy for four years. Most folks don’t have a clue about what a cop deals with every day. Like a pack of attack chihuahuas, a monkey with a bad case of diarrhea, a hungry python, a brahma bull named Bodacious and a six-foot iguana.

And that is just the critters. Now let me tell you about the two-legged varmints. Such as a three-hundred-pound biker who got a bit irate when I zapped him with a stun gun, or a murderous nun, and let’s not forget the senior citizens having an orgy. Ugh.

My personal life isn’t much better. Off duty I’m a ballroom dancer which everyone makes fun of. I love competitive dancing; I get to meet a lot of people who aren’t trying to kill me. Ok, there was one incident, but hey, shit happens. At a dance competition Detective Sergeant Dante Delgado waltzed into my life. My girly parts yelled yee-haw, he’s the one. Now, if I can only get him to do the tango with me.

Law enforcement isn’t for the fainthearted. Are you brave enough to enter my world?

Amazon * Smashwords * Bookbub * Goodreads

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Howdy. My name is Gail Koger and once upon a time I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher. Too many years of wild requests, screwy questions, bizarre behavior and outrageous demands have left me with a permanent twitch and an uncontrollable craving for chocolate. I took up writing science fiction romance to keep from killing people. So far, it has worked.

Website * Facebook * Twitter * Instagram * Bookbub * Amazon * Goodreads

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Follow the tour HERE for special content and a giveaway!

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Coletti Dagger aka nail file – 2 winners!

$10 Amazon gift card– 1 winner

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Yoga One For Me

by Eden Bloom

 

(Misty Falls, #1)
Publication date: October 30th 2022
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

They say you can’t outrun your problems, but that won’t stop me from trying…

Josie

It takes my boyfriend proposing for me to realize I need a new life plan, and fast! So I grab my yoga mat and hit the road. I talk my best friend into swapping places while I sort things out. Her small town of Misty Falls is incredible, and exactly what I need to rethink my life choices.

Everything is going great until I run into her brother Rake — literally — and my dinner ends up all over his clothes. Even covered in mashed potatoes, he’s gorgeous. Not that I care. The last thing I need is a relationship after just fleeing one…

Rake

The moment Josie dumps food on me, I know I’m done for. Between the tornado of a person she is and the unexpected surprise that she’s my sudden roommate, I’m in for a ride. But I’ve got too much at stake to let her become a distraction. My lifelong dream depends on staying away from her.

Even if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Yoga One For Me is a sweet and funny romcom that will warm your heart. It’s a full-length standalone novel that takes place in a charming small town overlooking the beach. Once you step foot in Misty Falls, you won’t want to leave.

Goodreads / Amazon

Get it FREE on Kindle Unlimited!

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Enjoy this peek inside:

I put down the yoga mat and check the fridge. It’s fully stocked with enough food to feed a football team. Raine went all out, and I only left her some bags to dump in the Crockpot. I owe her big time.

My mouth waters as I rifle through the contents of the fridge. I’m going to double my weight if I try to eat all of this before it goes bad. Most of it will end up in the freezer.

As my stomach roars, I make myself a plate of food and fill a glass with iced tea. Then I head for the dining room, my mouth watering.

I round the corner and crash into something. No, someone. A very tall and very muscular someone.

His eyes widen as my food smashes against his white button-down shirt and my black iced tea runs down his khaki pants, making it look like he wet himself. Maybe he did — I can be scary.

I scream. Smack his side with my plate. He’s surprisingly solid. “Get out!”

He backs up, holding out his hands. “Me? I live here. You get out!”

My pulse thrums in my ears. “No, I do. This is my house for the summer.”

“Says who?” He pulls mashed potatoes from his shirt and flops them onto my plate. His wavy, dirty-blonde hair blocks his face, and he brushes it aside getting food in it.

I get lost in his eyes for a moment. Until I remember that he’s an intruder, and my life is in danger. “Leave! Before I call the police.”

“Did you catch the part about me living here?”

I throw the potatoes back at him. “I don’t know who you are, but Raine said I’d have this house to myself.”

He’s really hot. Maybe he’s one of the guys she’s seeing, and he doesn’t realize she’s in Nevada. That makes sense. But why would he think he lives here?

“Where’s she?”

“If you live here, you should know.” I fold my arms.

He tilts his head, and while he looks menacing he also takes my breath away. “I don’t keep track of where my sister is.”

His sister? He’s Raine’s brother.

Crap. He really does have every right to be here.

Though we’ve never met, now I recognize him from the pictures I’ve seen over the years. He’s even taller and more gorgeous in person.

It takes me a moment to find my voice. “You’re Rake.”

“In the flesh.”

“You still have to leave. This isn’t part of my contract with Raine.” There is no contract. At least not on paper. But she did promise me the house to myself. That’s like a contract. In a way. Fine, it’s a stretch. But I’m going with it.

Rake’s brows furrow. “Leave? I need to shower, thanks to you.”

“After that, you can go.” I storm to my room, taking my useless plate of squished food with me. I’ve lost my appetite anyway.

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About Author Eden Bloom:

Eden has always lived in the Pacific Northwest, and it’s her favorite place to write about. She loves hiking in the great outdoors, sitting by lakes, watching waterfalls, and of course reading romantic comedies. There’s nothing like love and laughter to to lift a person’s spirits, and that’s a gift she hopes to share with all of her readers every time they open one of her books.

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The lighter side of the other side!

From sly humour to laugh out loud funny, Drunk Slutty Elf is a hilarious collection of stories in the styles of masters such as Terry Pratchett, Frederick Brown and David Barry.

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Drunk Slutty Elf and Other Stories

Drunk Elves and More Book 1

by D.G. Valdron

Genre: Funny Fantasy, Wacky SciFi, Horror Comedy

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The lighter side of the other side! Drunk Slutty Elf and Other Stories is a collection of humorous short stories of fantasy, horror and science fiction. In Drunk Slutty Elf, a drunken elf thief hooks up with a gray space alien searching for pieces of his spaceship; Djewel and Djinn features the Elf and Alien in the realm of Arabian nights. In Romance of the Undead; a vampire is pursued by his over-enthusiastic fans. Somewhere in The Monkey Sea, an infinite number of monkeys at typewriters plots rebellion. Lovecraft is parodied in Furry Tentacles of Menace ghost hunters confront hamsters from beyond time and space.; The Princess So Sweet and Fair gives us fairy tales gone horribly wrong, a wicked witch taking an unwanted job seriously and a kingdom overrun by frogs. Stone Blockage; ancient astronauts arrive and want us to build pyramids the old fashioned way. Silver Giant Sexy reveals the truth about Kaiju and the alien giants that fight them. Armageddon When, the antichrist shows up for armageddon and nobody cares. Hard Days Blight gives us a devil that cares too much, and damned souls that don’t care at all. There is Simulaw about the future of litigation, and Courtesy Call about the future of telemarketing, plus many more stories, wicked, subversive and funny. From sly humour to laugh out loud funny, Drunk Slutty Elf is a hilarious collection of stories in the styles of masters such as Terry Pratchett, Frederick Brown and David Barry.

Amazon * Apple * B&N * Google * Kobo * Smashwords * Bookbub * Goodreads

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Salvra, half-Elf, three-fifth’s-Halfling, foursixteenth’s Dwarf, exiled Princess and sixth level thief sidled up to the bar, where she tried to catch the eye of the one-third Orc, but otherwise pretty human bartender, Logo Longlegs.

The bartender gave her a baleful glare, his eyebrow furrowing in disgust.

“Here to clear up your tab?”

“I’m good for it,” Salvra replied nonchalantly.

Longlegs grunted.

“Give me a mug of your best Aelvish Ale,” she said confidently. “I’m a bit hung over, and I need a pick-me-up. On the tab.”

“No.”

“Dwarf Mead then,” she said, “the good stuff!”

“No.”

“Regular Dwarf Mead,” she said.

“No.”

“Beer?”

“No.”

She sighed and gave him a cold look. Something that tried to convey ‘If I weren’t so hung over, I’d pick this place clean.’

It didn’t work.

She sighed and felt through her purse. She thought she’d had more in there. Someone must have picked her pocket while she’d been drunk. She found a lone bent coin. She looked at it in disgust and slapped it on the bar. Longlegs eyed it doubtfully.

“What will this buy me?” she asked.

“A flagon of drunken Orc’s piss,” he said.

She wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic, but she decided to give it a try.

“I’ll take it.”

Longlegs grunted once. Using tongs, he tossed the coin into a small register, then he grabbed a mug and turned his back to her, fiddling with his trousers.

“Is this going to take long?” she said.

“No more than a minute,” he called back to her. Then he sighed deeply, and she heard the hissing sound of the mug being filled. A second later, he turned back to her slapped the mug on the bar in front of her, careful not to spill any of the thick green liquid in it.

She eyed the mug critically. There was a good head of foam on it, which meant it was fresh. And there were things swimming in it. That was a good sign. She grabbed the handle, threw her head back, and quaffed a deep draught, gasping as the foul liquid slid down her throat. There was a moment when the rest of her stomach contents, appalled at this new visitor, tried to escape. But she’d been down this road before, and held her nostrils closed and lips sealed until everything, including her liver, had resigned itself to fate.

“I’m starting to like the taste,” she said conversationally.

Longlegs gave her a long baleful look.

“There’s work for you,” he said.

She made a face.

“I’m a ninth level thief,” she said, “and an exiled princess. I don’t clean outhouses.”

“Not what I meant.”

“Not that either!” she said indignantly.

“No,” Longlegs said. “That guy.”

He pointed.

She looked. In a corner of the bar, a figure was hunched over a table.

“Nah .. .” she said, after a long look. “I don’t hook up with mysterious strangers in a bar, unless they’re paying up front.”

She hesitated.

“That didn’t come out how I meant,” she said apologetically.

He stared blankly at her.

“Oh all right.” She swallowed the rest of her mug with one deep draught, and when she could breathe again, she ignored his horrified expression, and staggered over, plopping herself into the chair.

“I hear you’re looking for a thief–” but her announcement trailed off as she got a good look at the stranger.

The being in front of her was gray. All gray. Its skin was rubbery. Its head was immense with two huge black almond shaped eyes. The rest of its facial features were tiny, the mouth a mere lipless slit, two tiny notches for nostrils. The rest of it was also incongruously off proportion with its head, the chest narrow, the limbs mere sticks, ending in hands with incredibly long spidery fingers. The sight of those fingers gave Salvra shivers. She wondered if other parts of him were as long and spidery.

“What the hell are you?” she asked breathlessly.

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Drunk Slutty Elf and Zombies

Drunk Elves and More Book 2

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The Drunk Slutty Elf returns, in a new misadventure with zombies. Along the way, there are more funny science fiction and fantasy stories, the foibles of satanic goat hunters, apocalyptic teddy bears, barbarians behaving badly, King Kong’s adventure with Dracula, aliens without a clue, the future of telemarketing, crunchy kaiju goodness and a helpful guide to neighborhood monsters. If you liked the previous collection, you’ll love this.

Amazon * Apple * B&N * Google * Kobo * Smashwords * Bookbub * Goodreads

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Excerpt – Dracula meets King Kong

 

SCENE – SKULL ISLAND, THE CHASM WITH THE LOG UPON IT. DRACULA STANDS ON ONE SIDE OF THE CHASM, DRISCOLL AND THE REST OF THE MEN ARE ON THE LOG.

DRACULA – I am afraid, Mister Driscoll, your adventure ends here. This is as far as you go.

DRISCOLL – What are you talking about, Doctor? Anne is still out there.

DRACULA – My name is Dracula, Mister Driscoll. And Anne is no longer your concern. I have business to take care of. I cannot permit you to go further.

DRISCOLL – You were working with the savages! I knew from the start there was something wrong with you. We should never have trusted you. You were probably making us sick.

DRACULA (laughs) – Wisdom comes too late, Mister Driscoll.

DRISCOLL PULLS PISTOL, AND WAVES TO HIS MEN.

DRISCOLL – We’re coming over. And you can’t stop us, Doctor Carfax, or Dracula, whatever your name is. You’re just one man, and we have the guns.

DRISCOLL ADVANCES ACROSS THE LOG, FOLLOWED BY SEVERAL OF THE CREW OF THE VENTURE.

DRACULA – I am not a man, Mister Driscoll, and your guns are nothing to me.

DRACULA SEIZES THE ROOTS OF THE GIANT FALLEN LOG ACROSS THE CHASM, AND TWISTS. THE ENTIRE LOG ROCKS BACK AND FORTH. SOME OF THE MEN FALL OFF. DRISCOLL AND THE OTHERS FALL PRONE, HANGING ONTO THE LOG FOR ALL THEY ARE WORTH.

CUT TO DRACULA’S FACE, SHOWING UNEARTHLY STRAIN AT THESE EXERTIONS.

DRACULA HEAVES THE LOG BACK AND FORTH SHAKING IT MORE AND MORE VIOLENTLY, MORE MEN FALL OFF, BUT A FEW REMAIN CLINGING.

DRACULA – You are persistent, Mister Driscoll, but it will not help you.

WITH A MIGHTY HEAVE, DRACULA COMPLETELY LIFTS ONE END OF THE LOG INTO THE AIR, RAISING IT ABOVE HIS HEAD, AND HURLS IT INTO THE CHASM, THE LOG FALLS, TAKING THE REMAINING MEN WITH IT. AS IT FALLS, DRISCOLL DESPERATELY SEIZES A VINE, SWINGING TO PERILOUS SAFETY.

DRACULA GAZES INTO THE CHASM, A SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE LOOKS DOWN, AND FROWNS.

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D.G. Valdron is a shy and reclusive Canadian writer, living in the wilderness of the Canadian Prairie. Like other shy woodland creatures, deer, bunnies, grizzly bears, he is probably more afraid of you, than you are of him. Probably. A longtime nerd who grew up working at a Drive-In Theatre, he loves exploring interesting and obscure corners of pop culture. A longtime writer of Fantasy, Science Fiction and Horror, his published works include a fantasy/murder mystery novel called The Mermaid’s Tale, the alternate history novel, Axis of Andes, several collections of short stories including Dawn of Cthulhu, Giant Monsters Sing Sad Songs, What Devours Always Hungers and There Are No Doors in Dark Places. He’s also a recognized expert on such obscure subjects as the worlds of Edgar Rice Burroughs, obscure science fiction television series and fan films. Drunk Slutty Elf and its follow up are his foray into the lighter side of the other side.

Website * Facebook * Instagram * Amazon * Goodreads

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Thanks so much for visiting fuonlyknew and Good Luck!

For a list of my reviews go HERE.

For a list of free eBooks updated daily go HERE

To see all of my giveaways go HERE.

 

Beach Please

by Melanie Summers

 

(Paradise Bay, #6)
Publication date: June 22nd 2023
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

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A hilarious and heartwarming story that’ll have you snort-laughing, swooning, and sighing with happiness…

Lola Gordon’s dreams of a thriving surf shop were shattered when her ex vanished with all the money in their business account, leaving her on the brink of losing everything. With the bank set to auction off her beloved shop and its contents in just six weeks, Lola is desperate to find a solution.

When news of an exciting treasure hunt sweeps through the island, Lola sees it as her last chance to reclaim her surf shop and rebuild her life. There’s just one obstacle standing in her way: she needs a boat.

Enter Aidan Clarke, a disillusioned Canadian expat seeking solace in the tranquil shores of Paradise Bay. Having recently discovered his fiancée’s infidelity with his brother, Aidan wants to be alone. So when his parents decide to visit and hunt for a house near his seaside cottage, Aidan realizes he must create an illusion of happiness.

He proposes a deal to Lola: he’ll provide the boat she needs if she agrees to pose as his live-in girlfriend.

As Lola and Aidan set sail on their adventure, the lines between fiction and reality blur, and their fake affection starts to feel all too genuine.

Join Lola and Aidan as their dreams are tested, their hearts are mended, and a sun-kissed romance awaits…

Beach Please is a closed-door rom-com with a bit of heat and a fair bit of cursing. It stands alone (although to get the full treasure hunt experience, it’s best to read Whisked Away first) and comes complete with maps, colourful graphics, and a whole lot of ice cream…

Goodreads / Amazon

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MY REVIEW

It mentions in the synopsis that this is a sun-kissed romance, and it sure is. There’s something about summer that draws me to contemporary romance books.  Especially beachy, funny ones. Beach Please has all that including a treasure hunt and characters that delighted me.

Lola and Aidan both have emotional baggage and need something, anything, to change the course of their lives. Circumstances land them on a boat together and what starts as a ruse quickly turns into something tangible.

A treasure hunt. A fake romance. It’s funny, sunny, spicy and addictive. I sped through Beach Please and got everything I hoped for.

5 STARS

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Enjoy this peek inside:

“Aww, you two look so sweet,” his mom says. “I need to get a picture of you together.”

We both sit up and Aidan puts his arm around me, pulling me in. I rest my head on his shoulder and smile, my heart pounding and my stomach fluttering for some strange reason. I don’t want either of those things to happen. Yes, he’s hot, but he’s also a fussy neat freak and we have absolutely no future together.

“You two are going to have the most beautiful children,” she says, still holding the phone up.

My face flames at that thought and I can’t help but feel a tug of guilt for lying to them like this.

“Did you get the shot, mom?” Aidan asks.

“Nuts,” Ginnie says. “The camera was aimed at me the whole time. One second.”

“Sorry about this,” Aidan murmurs.

“It’s fine, really,” I say, even though it’s not fine because the longer our bodies are pressed together like this, the more I’m enjoying it. If I’m not careful, I’m going to wind up feeling very confused about what we’re actually doing here, and with us about to spend who knows how long alone together on his boat, I definitely can’t afford to be getting confused. I remind myself that he’s solidly anti-relationship. I remind myself we have nothing in common. I remind myself that the last thing I need right now is a man. And yet, the smell of his skin and the feeling of his arm around me is suggesting otherwise…

Author Melanie Summers:

Melanie Summers also writes steamy romance as MJ Summers.

Melanie made a name for herself with her debut novel, Break in Two, a contemporary romance that cracked the Top 10 Paid on Amazon in both the UK and Canada, and the top 50 Paid in the USA. Her highly acclaimed Full Hearts Series was picked up by both Piatkus Entice (a division of Hachette UK) and HarperCollins Canada. Her first three books have been translated into Czech and Slovak by EuroMedia. Since 2013, she has written and published three novellas, and eight novels (of which seven have been published). She has sold over a quarter of a million books around the globe.

In her previous life (i.e. before having children), Melanie got her Bachelor of Science from the University of Alberta, then went on to work in the soul-sucking customer service industry for a large cellular network provider that shall remain nameless (unless you write her personally – then she’ll dish). On her days off, she took courses and studied to become a Chartered Mediator. That designation landed her a job at the R.C.M.P. as the Alternative Dispute Resolution Coordinator for ‘K’ Division. Having had enough of mediating arguments between gun-toting police officers, she decided it was much safer to have children so she could continue her study of conflict in a weapon-free environment (and one which doesn’t require makeup and/or nylons).

Melanie resides in Edmonton with her husband, three young children, and their adorable but neurotic one-eyed dog. When she’s not writing novels, Melanie loves reading (obviously), snuggling up on the couch with her family for movie night (which would not be complete without lots of popcorn and milkshakes), and long walks in the woods near her house. She also spends a lot more time thinking about doing yoga than actually doing yoga, which is why most of her photos are taken ‘from above’. She also loves shutting down restaurants with her girlfriends. Well, not literally shutting them down, like calling the health inspector or something–more like just staying until they turn the lights off.

She is represented by Suzanne Brandreth of The Cooke Agency International.

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Twitter / Instagram

 

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Thanks so much for visiting fuonlyknew and Good Luck!

For a list of my reviews go HERE.

For a list of free eBooks updated daily go HERE

To see all of my giveaways go HERE.

 

The Ro Bro

by J.A. Huss & Johnathan McClain

 

Publication date: June 20th 2023
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Contemporary, Romance

Essie Smith-Scott, the author known as SS, has been the number one erotic romance writer in the world for the past ten years. Movie deals, merchandise, dozens of books on the New York Times bestseller’s list, and the founder of the biggest romance convention to ever hit the planet.

Scoring an invitation to the Sin With Us Romance Convention in Las Vegas is the ‘big break’ every romance author hopes for and Cynthia Lear’s name just made it to the top of the wait list. She’s in. And she’s gonna make the most of it. This is her chance to shine and propel her career into the stratosphere.

But then she meets Essie’s twin brother, Steve. Not only is Steve Smith handsome, and charming, and loves her work—he’s also… lying. To the whole world. Literally everyone.

Because his twin sister, Essie, isn’t the one who’s been writing all those super-spicy Master Choke books all these years—it’s Steve.

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Written by New York Times bestselling author JA Huss and actor, author, narrator, Johnathan McClain—The Ro-Bro is a rompy feel-good adventure through the secret life of romance authors and the conventions they attend. Prepare to laugh so hard you pee your pants. This is a story that will make you smile every time you think about it.

(P.S. – If you’ve never been to the biggest romance convention in the world, well now you don’t even have to go. Because they all happen just like this.)

Goodreads / Amazon / Audible

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Enjoy this peek inside:

“Holy shit.” Britney, the assistant, looks up at me with an incredulous expression of ‘what the fuck.’ “She’s a… a…”

I volunteer a noun. “A bitch?”

“Yeah!” Britney laughs this word out with gusto.

And I’m laughing too, but then I look over at Cordy, and she’s… not. “What did she mean by that?”

That question is directed to Britney, not me. And immediately I feel cut out of the conversation.

What did she mean by that? Translation—Did Raylen Star just caution me, Cordy, about handing over my ARC to SS’s brother, Steve, because she was insinuating they, she, he might steal my words?

That is exactly what Leslie fuckin’ Munch just did.

I had a good thing going with this girl. She and I were having a moment. And even though Britney kinda busted in on us, Britney wasn’t obtrusive. I was winning her over. Which is important. As the number one romance writer in the world, I wholly and completely understand that the new love interest must befriend the BFF.

And fine. Maybe ‘new love interest’ is a premature title for me? We were still on introductions. We hadn’t made any concrete declarations of intent or anything, but we were on our way. We were getting there. Would’ve gotten there if fuckin’ Leslie hadn’t showed up.

And now, as I watch Cordy and Britney exchange a look and in the next moment watch, in real time, as Cordy’s eyes drop down to the book gripped firmly in my hands, I have to tuck down a moment of rage.

Two minutes. Two. Minutes. That’s all it took for Leslie to ruin the good thing I was building with this lovely creature who might be the only person in the room who can write a run-on sentence with such skill, and emotion, and… and… and moxie that one does not even understand that she, lovely Cordy, just wrote the world’s longest run-on sentence because they have been captivated—imprisoned, even—by her brilliant author voice.

Cordy Serendipitous’s ability to string words together for the longest of sequences is what drew me to her in the first place. I love it. I love that she breaks all the rules. It’s so… so… fuckin’ courageous—especially in a world filled with people who want nothing more than the expected to jump out at them in a totally expected way, lest they have to stretch their minds a bit to find the hidden messages hiding just below the surface—that I, for once, did not feel like a completely isolated freak among those who fit in. At least as far as writing goes.

And Leslie Munch has fucked that up with two words of caution.

Be careful.

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Author JA Huss

JA Huss is a New York Times Bestselling author and has been on the USA Today Bestseller’s list 21 times. She writes characters with heart, plots with twists, and perfect endings.

Her books have sold millions of copies all over the world. Her book, Eighteen, was nominated for a Voice Arts Award and an Audie Award in 2016 and 2017 respectively. Her audiobook, Mr. Perfect, was nominated for a Voice Arts Award in 2017. Her audiobook, Taking Turns, was nominated for an Audie Award in 2018. Her book, Total Exposure, was nominated for a RITA Award in 2019.

She lives on a farm in central Colorado with her family, horses, donkeys, dogs, goats, and chickens.

FIND HER HERE: Facebook / Website / Twitter

 

Johnathan McClain is an award-winning actor, screenwriter, producer, romance novelist, and audiobook narrator. As an actor, he has an extensive television, film, and theatre resumé spanning over twenty-five years. As a screenwriter, his feature film debut, THE OUTFIT, co-written with Academy Award winning screenwriter Graham Moore, and starring Academy Award winner Mark Rylance, Zoey Deutch, Dylan O’Brien, and Johnny Flynn, premiered at the 2022 Berlin International Film Festival and was released theatrically by Focus Features the same year.

He has narrated almost two-hundred audiobooks and is the recipient of multiple Audiofile Earphones Awards, SOVAS nominations, and an Audie for his narration of Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff’s #1 NY Times bestselling sci-fi novel, Illuminae, which won the Audie Award for audiobook of the year for multi-voiced narration in 2016.

Along with JA Huss, Johnathan is the co-author of ten novels, two of which have been optioned for screenplays, and the story of their writing partnership was developed as a TV series with MGM Television.

He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Laura.

Find him HERE

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RO BRO RELEASE GIVEAWAY

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Thanks so much for visiting fuonlyknew and Good Luck!

For a list of my reviews go HERE.

For a list of free eBooks updated daily go HERE

To see all of my giveaways go HERE.